Facebook is taking over the world.

I know my Grams is even on Facebook, but I wanted to post these pics here because I don't know who gets to see what on FB. But I wanted to share:

Me circa 2002:

Me Circa: Last Saturday

 

way better looking with age(despite red-eye) too bad the same can't be said for McCampbell *burn*.

Anyways, I leave Vancouver in less than 48 hours. I'm so tense I'm not sleeping well and am having numbness in some  of my extremities and limbs...I also have a final exam tomorrow that I've been studying for. So a combination of travel anxiety and test anxiety...my body is not responding well.

I land in Oakland to be greeted by Randall. Drive to the City, crash at Kat's spend some QT with myself then over to Walnut Creek for Xmas with Chris, then at some point back to Santa Cruz to find a place to live (that may prove tricky- the place I was lined up for may have been pulled out from under me) and start school.

yay!

...I guess I should get on packing...(sigh)

She said: "so I've been stalking your blog...."

What I should have said but was too drunk: "Oh. Then you know how vain I can be."

I leave Vancouver on Saturday and I am incredibly sad about it. So much so that I attempted to engage in emotional eating but...standing in the chip aisle at Safeway proved to be overwhelming and I started to cry and wander without aim making more practical purchases such as a loaf of french bread, sliced lunch meat and a bottle of water.

Kate left today. It was sad. Jackie and I got up early and we cooked breakfast for her- eggs, bacon and orange slices. Kate goes to Calgary and then off to Paris for next term. Hopefully she'll contact me when she in the city in January and we can visit the castro and shop at the haight (and she can meet my adorable four legged boyfriend-Disco!) Kate gave me this fantastic card and some Durex play quivers (freezable lube)  which I'm looking forward to trying out and hope that I am given the opportunity to...very soon...because I'm going to recommit to abstinence after New Years because that proved to work really well for me last year. And while the re-negotiation was pleasant, it proved to become a crutch while I was here in Vancouver.

Saturday I went to the Wolf & Hound and got wrecked...it wasn't a good kind of wrecked either. At the end of the night all I wanted to do was go home and be by myself (read= sleep sprawled out on my bed). It was fantastic to see people there, each of them very special to me. Chrissy and Kate Monstrr (not to be confused with roomie Parisan Kate) got this FANTASTIC bruschetta with goat cheese- it was the most delicious thing I'd eaten that night. I wrote 'valentines' to everyone who had RSVPed yes and was grateful to not have a single one left in my purse (which means they all came).  But...I am also sad about it...I think I may have taken some people's presence for granted and allowed myself to be consumed in various oral pleasures. hmmmm....there really is no way of knowing.

I also saw Morgane for what may be the last time here in Vancouver. She's really very sweet, we met at the gym (after she had seen me at GALA) early in the term and we ended up having a class together. It made me pretty sad. I attempted to engage in retail therapy at the dollar store near campus but found it frustrating and lacking what it was that I sought. But that's okay because I went to meet Sara at a coffee shop and there was a dollar store there that I found a few goods at. However, upon leaving the coffee shop I saw someone who reminded me of my nephew Andrew (If Andrew was about fifteen years older) and I got really upset...because of course I think about how those boys are just getting SCREWED and how heart breaking it is to witness the rejections they experience and how I just want them to feel safe and loved. Of course that has a lot to do with my own healing experience.

Anyways- a lot of emotions coming up: Love, Gratitude and some Sadness. I mean- this has been an amazing experience. Like...fantastic.

I called Mister Heller on a hung over Sunday and he was quite emphatic about how much this sucks. I told him the way he was talking would seem that I am leaving him and not Vancouver- he told me that he just remembers how much it sucked when he had to leave California. And I understood (thanks for the sympathy Mister H). Mister Heller also told me he wrote a fair number of letters to different people to try to make sense of the experience. I think that is a fantastic way of coping (for me- I don't know if that was the purpose of the letter writing for him). I could write a letter to the woman I've crushed on all term- who fascinates me endlessly and whom I want to get to know better. I could write a letter to the male body I've crushed on for about a half a term and explain I think we could have a rich collaborative relationship (not to be confused with a romantic relationship) and apologize for the extremely awkward interaction we had at the Pendulum yesterday.
...I could and perhaps I will...meh who knows.

Also- after I get back to california I will be returning to my sarahdelasol blog which currently has privacy settings to make it invitation only. If you can't access this blog, and would like to shoot me an e-mail and I'll 'put you on the list' (but please don't say you're with the DJ- even those of you are ARE DJ's or married to one *wink*) http://sarahdelasol.blogspot.com <---check it.

I really don't know what else to say...I have a final exam on Friday. I couldn't find a fairy that wasn't hyper-sexualized for Katelynn (she wanted a fairy action figure for Christmas) OH! I got  B+ in my Feminist Methods of Qualitative Research Course and am awaiting grades for my other courses (a 78 is a B+ here! I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT- awesome).

Oh-and the scar from my fall earlier this term is totally freakin' adorable.

I am meeting so many incredible people in Vancouver

This is my friend Lau. Singing her own track. It's romantic. I *heart* her and I LOVE this track:

"Way back in the 1980's secret government employees dug up famous guys and ladies...

...and made amusing genetic copies."

Finals are coming up. So many papers due and a research proposal that I'm trying to get together to send to a few UCSC profs so I can actually DO the research when I get back to Santa Cruz. I think it's going to end up being a case study utilizing textual analysis and (if I'm lucky) interviews.

I've been a bit depressed- mostly because I haven't really been taking care of my studies and have been focusing a lot of my energies on my lover- because it's a convenient and accessible distraction. And when I turn that energy on myself this is what I come up with:

So the above is a conceptual map for my research proposal/Critical Studies in Sexualities and my Feminist Qualitative Research Methods course. I think the super specific point of how regimented curriculum of California Performance Improvement (Level 1, Year 3) schools grades K-5 informs student understandings of violence (interpersonal, sexual and domestic violences....which is at the top left side of the big map)...I meet with my Feminist Qualitative Research Methods Prof tomorrow morning and I'm going to go over this with her...see if she can help turn it into a coherent paper.
But I'm feeling overwhelmed because the books I want/need for research were checked out of the library and/or at the Okanagan campus (which requires a request- something to take care of tommorrow) ugh!

Because of this research project I have made the conscious decision to NOT do my psych paper which was due today (it was worth 10% of my grade but I didn't feel that 5-7 pages citing 7 empirical sources was worth so little). I care more about the project above. And I am also doing research on takarazuka and Sinjuku Boys for my Women and Gender Studies 325 presentation on Drag Kings that is happening next Thursday. I am also doing some research into the San Francisco Drag King community as a way to culturally situate the Drag King. But Takarazuka juxtaposed with Sinjuku Boys is so rich already. mmmmmm tastes like genderf*ck.

For the same class I am also doing research to write a paper on (and it gets a bit tricky- I don't have a solid thesis) how 'The F Word' episode of South Park utilizes violent language in an attempt to negate the violence associated with the word. The word is 'fag' (I have such a strong dislike for this word- even when it is evoked by those in the queer community to describe themselves) and in the episode it attempts to no longer make it a prejorative term towards the gay/queer community. Instead the boys succeed in shifting the definition to evoke violence against Harley Davidson Riders. So- yes language is amorophus, and meanings change within a given cultural and historical context (hell- look at the word 'gay') however, I find it irresponsible and not at all progressive to graph the violence of this term (or any other term) onto other bodies (apologies for those of you whom heard all this via facebook). So...I'm struggling to keep it narrow whilst simultaneously being critical. And have been reading about language violence (which is a violence often ignored) as a way to encite physical and sexual violences.

Maybe it's all this exposure to certain violences (and having someone quite upleasant pop back up in my life last week) that is stirring up memories of my own abuses. A little bit of PTSD to go with the S.A.D. that is making me upset and depressed. hmmmm hadn't thought of that until this moment.

I've also been going out a fair bit. Dancing. Hanging out with friends. Going to the gym and I would now like to give you a moment of my vanity. Today, feeling blue, I went shopping at the Salvation Army where I aquired a new pair of "incentive pants" which are pants that fit but yeild a muffin top. And the pants are size 8. That means I am (in terms of clothes size) HALF the size I was a year ago. I also FINALLY got my new threadless T-shirt. I decided to be brave and order a Medium (I've previously only ordered XL's) and it came today as wel so I put the two together and took pics.

Now...don't be confused I still have a roll over when I sit- because I still have squish in my gut, and like I said the size 8s are a bit snug. But that's okay. I'm working to be more comfortable with the squish and, upon my return to Santa Cruz will be engaging in serious toning, muscle and strength building. awww yeah!

 

 

*sings* Who's the vain-iest grrl around? SARAH- that's who!

and I have NO idea wtf is on the mirror...gross. I put the ones from September in there as a way to compare/contrast. David Bowie (the red shirt) fits way better now than it did then as well.

so that pretty much sums up my life at this point....I'm glad we had this talk *wink*

500 days of summer has an excellent soundtrack

This post will contribute to the reason that men do not ask women out. Because they ask a girl out, take a chance and then the girl posts on her blog how ridiculous the whole thing was and then seeks advice on how to tactfully tell the person "um yeah- so not interested. YOU'RE not interesting to ME. And WHAT THE FUCK makes you think I'd be REMOTELY interested in watching a football game with you? I don't think it's cool that the only fun you claim to have these days involves 'putting your life on the line,' I don't like your somewhat superior attitude that involves putting people down and calling them 'stupid' and I'm just...I can do better. I leave the country in about two months and uh...you're not the kind of souvenir I want to take back to the States with me. Thanks."

Two things you can take from the above statement:
1) I'm vicious/a snob 2)Tact isn't my strong suit.

So here's the story:
I volunteered at the Norm theater tonight (like I do every Thursday)
and there was a guy working there who had on this really funny T-shirt (something about being vague but I can't recall exactly what) and he was working the box office position- which is a very isolating position, so there wasn't any interaction between him and I. I wasn't going to watch the first film (I had a paper to work on) so I leave and he walks out with me because he had something else to do as well. On the way out he asks me my name- we make small talk, etc. etc. I stop at a work/study space in the student union building (the Norm is in the basement) and sit down to work and he leaves.
About five minutes later- he reappears with Starbucks in hand saying he's got a few minutes before his next bus comes. so we start talking. He studies mechanical engineering here at UBC, is roughly the same age as me and has heard of Santa Cruz. (I learned a little bit about his family and other stuff- I was more anxious to get to work on my paper). After about thirty minutes he leaves.
I return to the Norm to do the second film in my shift 500 Days of Summer (I liked it) and he came back for his shift with a tin of chocolate cupcakes. They smelled super good but I politely refused because my tummy is all kinds of funky (I think I may have to begin a painful divorce from cheese- more on that later). When the film started the floor manager took over the door so that I could go in and see the film (usually you have to wait fifteen minutes after it starts to make sure the rude-ass laggers get in) so I go in and sit down on my own. About twenty minutes into the film homeboy comes in and sits down next to me.
Him: "Do you like the film?"
Me: "Yeah. It's funny" *refraining from launching into a feminist textual analysis about certain forms of representation.
HIm: [passes me a popcorn bag]
Me: (whispering) "What's this?"
Him: (whispering back) "A note."
Me:  (sort of a whisper) "A note!? You gave me a note to read in the dark!? I can't read a note in the dark" (proceeds to tilt the popcorn bag towards the screen in an attempt to read it)
Note: "If you''re not doing anything tomorrow it would be nice to hang out with you. Call me *insert phone number and name here*"
Me: "Oh."[awkward silence] "Thanks"[awkward silence 2] "I don't have a phone. Like...seriously I don't have a phone in Vancouver." 
Him: "I'll give you a quarter."
Me: "No- that's okay I think I can find a quarter." (payphones are still prevalant and functional here in Vancouver)
[several moments pass and at some point he makes it known that he is going to leave]
Me: "I'm busy tomorrow but I'll call you before Sunday." (to tell him that I'm not interested because it seemed awkward to tell him in the theater- because uh...he could just want to hang out like- as friends...or something)
Him: "great. we can watch a football game together or something."
Me: "uh...have a good weekend."

....yeah....all my social conditioning tells me that his interest isn't platonic...social conditioning and vanity.

Prior to volunteering I had had a LOVELY conversation with Andy about all kinds of stuff. He watched me hoover down a slice of pizza while we discussed Tarantino films. Andy doesn't like cheese, but I forgive him because he has a feminist conciousness. *wink*

Which brings me to the possibility that I may need to leave cheese- I've noticed as of late that my tummy and entire gastro-intestinal tract become  uncomfortable when I eat cheese. I'm not sure if this is something related to the flu that makes me feel bad for a few days and then I'm fine for a few and then back to feeling less than good for a few days (this thing that's been around for about three weeks now). It could also be that maybe I'm developing a lactose intolerance to large amounts of dairy. Today I had a quesadilla stuffed with sauteed veggies for lunch that made me feel...bad. And then the pizza for dinner kind of did the same thing. I'm not sure. bleh.

Classes are going pretty well. I got one of my midterms back today- I got an A. *yay* And another one of my midterms I got back last week- it was a B. But I totally turned in a B paper. I have to finish editing the midterm that's due tomorrow afternoon I don't know how I'll do on it. I had written a really good essay on my iBook but when i went back to edit it the screen is not turning on so I've had to attempt to replicate it and...it's just a bit sloppy. I got a 24 hour extension on it (it was actually due today) but I don't think it's going to be a very good paper. :( It's not worth much for my grade but still.

I have a full weekend of work and research and stuff to do- I hope I have the energy and inclination to do work and can stay focused.

Is love a kind of silverware?

"love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." -Anaïs Nin

I find this post-apocalyptic nuclar wasteland confusing.

I can't decide which version is more sad:


Or:



I think the first one is definitely more disturbing. In that the absence of melody the the viewer becomes conflated with the doll face and in an uncomfortable position of self-recognition of our own desires as produced by images we consume.

Whilst the second one produces the doll face as object  who seems to be yearning for something, and it is in this yearning that we feel empathy/sympathy for the desires of the doll face but do not recognize those desires as our own.
...or maybe I just find the music to be terribly distracting...thoughts?